Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live life completely alone?  I don’t mean being the only living organism that exists on this planet… but rather living through each day of your life surrounded by the different personalities, genders, ages and races that encompass you, but spending all of your time on another planet inside your head where no one knows your thoughts or what you’re going through… and never taking the opportunity to let someone in, or reach out to another.  That’s living alone, isn’t it?

Funny how many of us often really do live this way… as if we were cut out to make it on our own- every man for himself, right?  Or we feel like we have no choice but to bottle things deep down inside in order to protect ourselves from others… or perhaps protect the world from us…  

But what if to live fully abandoned to God really did mean to be recklessly in love with life and the world of people around us?  What if to truly live meant giving up the isolation or independence we’ve grown so comfortable with in return for a life of compassion and surrender to love and receive the love of others?

hmmm... gotta think about this one some more...  

you live... you learn... you live... and you learn some more.

haha, i started to get this distorted picture of what it means to be fully alive by equating it to mean that you've figured everything out and now it's time to live. i don't know how i came up with that... maybe because the word 'full' seems so conclusive, like the end of a fairy tale: "And they all lived happily ever after, to the full. THE END" :)

in reality, i don't think any of us will have likely figured it all out out even by the time we do reach the ever after.  i used to think there would be a point that all of a sudden you'd be grown up, and then be an adult, and maybe a wife/husband, and then become a mother/father, and then a grandparent, and a senior citizen- and that you'd be changed to perfectly fit these molds when you reached them.  but i'm beginning to notice that i don't know that i've changed that much at all so far- in who i am at least. 

i've just learned some things about myself and what i'm like, and learned how to recognize and deal with stuff as it comes up.  but i'm still the same wirey little hyper-active monkey that hung off my principals arm every morning at school and hugged every person i could get my long arms around at church on sundays.  the core of my personality hasn't changed that much, although i've learned that not everyone likes to be hung off of or attacked with hugs and affection :).

at the same time i definitely know i have not figured everything out.  even just this week i came to a realization that many of the challenges i've faced this winter, and the fists i've raised with my kicking and screaming has been in essence largely against myself, and the very nature God has created me with.  i'm just so stubborn and determined in my own ways, that i refuse to give up without a fight.  and this time the fight has been mainly with myself, and in that i guess with God.  

have i been wrong to wrestle and battle it out with God? i don't think so. actually to be honest, i was so caught up with clenching my fists and the adrenaline rush of defending 'my lines', that i didn't actually realize who my opponent was until i completely exhausted myself and threw my last punch.  only then did i stop and see what was infront of me as the dust began to settle.  i think i'm even worse than a rhino who runs at 30 miles and hour with only 30 feet of visibility ahead of him... i couldn't even see two feet infront of me! :)

but i don't think i would have been able to come to this point, without struggling through it first. i don't think i would have stopped long enough to let the dust settle... or even believe what i saw once it did. so now i'm sitting here all dirty and messy with my hair all frazzled, completely exhausted and out of breath... and all i can do is smile sheepishly when i see who's right infront of me and has let me spin and jump in my feisty way until i settled down enough to listen to him.

ok. so now i'm ready to listen (if i can get the dirt out of my ears).